District 19 Area 11

Branford, North Branford, Northford and East Haven Ct. Alcoholics Anonymous

Fourth Step Suggestions

Step Four

Introduction

Alcoholics Anonymous is an organization of people helping each other to recover from the disease of alcoholism.

The Twelve Steps were written by the founders of the AA fellowship as guidelines to aid alcoholics find a better way of life without the use of alcohol. We who have become aware of their philosophy of life have found these steps invaluable in our “Search for Serenity”.

We have found that most of us have created needless mental, physical, and spiritual problems ourselves because of our own COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR. The dictionary gives us a psychological definition of compulsion as being: an irresistible repeating irrational impulse. The Big Book refers to “self will run riot”. We may also think of compulsion in terms of “excessive wants that dominate our normal needs”.

Examples of compulsive behavior might include:

Alcoholic Drinking

Drug or Chemical dependency - both licit and illicit

Over-Eating or Over-Dieting

Sexual promiscuity

Hypochondria or Denial of physical illness

Emotional insecurities

Excessive need for:

Power, Acceptance, Approval, etc.

Excessive need to:

Work or Play, Succeed or Fail, Win or Lose, Gamble, spend money impulsively or be miserly, talk or be silent, Smoke, Drink Coffee, Speed or drive recklessly, Control, Impress, help others when not asked, etc.

The purpose of this outline is to help any persons become aware of the actions and reactions involved in their daily living which have caused them to become compulsive.

This guide for AA’s Fourth Step was written by AA’s. We have adapted the original to fit any person involved in a Twelve Step Program so that they might become better aware of their own compulsive behavior.

References:

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as The Big Book

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services

One day at a Time in Al-Anon, by Al-Anon Family Group

Inner Conflicts and How to Solve Them, by Dr. Hugh Missildine and Lawrence Galton

Inner Child of the Past, by Dr. Hugh Missildine

Special recognition to the people in the program who have given freely of their time to help themselves and others.

It is suggested that you say the 3rd Step Prayer before thinking about or writing your 4th Step, so that it will be a fearless process that includes your Higher Power instead of a fearful process.

THIRD STEP PRAYER:

God, I offer myself to Thee.

To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.

Relieve me of bondage of self, that I may better do

Thy will.

Take away my difficulties.

That victory over them may bear witness to those I

would help

of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life.

May I do Thy will always.

Fourth Step Inventory - General Directions

Buy paper and pen and start writing. The Big Book says on eight different occasions that we WRITE OUT this step. It’s the writing down that helps trigger the release.

It has been our experience that we all have compulsive behavior which needs to be controlled. Thereby, the problems that were caused by the compulsive behavior will disappear. Which leaves us with the problems that CAUSED us to become compulsive. And there, as you are perhaps beginning to find out, are the ones that stay painfully with us unless we do something about it. (In the past, they were so painfully with us that we needed an escape to relieve the pain.)

We seemed to always can QUIT a compulsion. We just couldn’t STAY quit. In taking Steps Four through Nine, we are doing certain things which we find will bring us to a point in life enjoyment and comfort whereby we no longer need to be compulsive. We don’t need compulsive means to escape because the problem has been bled off.

It has been our experience that it really does not matter particularly what your intent is when you take Step Four. Or what your attitude is. Or what your ideas are as to what it will do for you and how. WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU TAKE THE STEPS HONESTLY AND TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY. Quit rationalizing that you’ll take it better if you take it later … or after you have been in the program longer … or any of the other lame excuses that all of us who have gone before you have used.

As compulsive human beings, we all wanted to excel - really excel - at some activity or other. May we suggest this: if you ever decided to get with it (not perfectly, but the best you can honestly do) right here and now is a good time to get with it. A thorough Fourth and Fifth Step will give you more relief and comfort than you have any way of knowing. This is the action that can lead to a real joy in living … the sort that you may not have experienced since early childhood (if then) … something that you have been searching for but couldn’t quite find.

Step Two does not say, “Came to believe IN a Power greater than ourselves …” but “Came to believe THAT a Power greater than ourselves …” could help us become sane, happy people. For instance, the Group is greater than I am as an individual … which would make it a Greater Power. Whatever you look to as a Higher Power, you must remember that in Step Three you turn … not just your compulsive behavior, but your will and your life … over to that Higher Power. So that whatever is uncovered in the process of taking Steps Four and Five … whatever your difficulty … you must remember that you have TURNED IT OVER … and then keep on plowing ahead.

The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) suggests that we take Steps Four and Five immediately after Step Three. You’re starting now to take Four so set up an appointment RIGHT AWAY to take your Fifth Step. Select a minister (being sure it is one who understands the problem, but one who will not “moralize” at you), or a doctor, or a close-mouth friend in the program. Give yourself about a month to finish Four. And don’t put off starting Four because you can’t find anyone “suitable” to take Five with.

Let us stress again; you are not graded on spelling, punctuation, or grammar. This Fourth Step is for your eyes only. You’re going to tell it to someone, but this is for you. If you decide to erase or scratch through something, DON’T DO IT. It might be one of the keys that would unlock some part of your personality that is now hidden from you. And remember, you can’t take a PERFECT inventory, but you can do your honest best. And let us assure you that your honest best certainly will be very good.

The book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions states: “Creation gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn’t be complete human beings. If men and women didn’t exert themselves to be secure in their persons, made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter, there would be no survival. If they didn’t reproduce, the earth wouldn’t be populated. If there were no social instinct, if men cared nothing for the society of one another, there would be no society. So, these desires … for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship … are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given.” (p.43)

It is when these instincts are warped and bent out of shape that we get in trouble, for their distortion brings pain. The compulsive behavior helped to escape from such pain. And this is what your inventory is about … to help you recognize those instincts of yours that are warped and out of control, and develop awareness of yourself and your reactions.

You will want to write out the resentments, fears, guilts, hates, and sexual hang-ups that you can remember. What you want to be aware of is your REACTION to what happened to you. A moral inventory deals with feelings both good and bad. Don’t get into what was done TO you (i.e. “I resented my mother because she favored my sister and didn’t love me” or, “I hated my father for whipping me in front of my friends”). Or what you did TO someone (i.e. “I used to tell on my brother so I’d look good to my parents” or, “I felt superior to my brothers and sisters because my parents favored me”).

Write down the things that you remember and feel the pain of embarrassment, fear, or guilt. Where were you at fault and what is it about it that hurts you now. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions read (p.51), “Since Step Four is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, it can be suggested that he first have a look at those personal flaws which are acutely troublesome and fairly obvious. Work on getting to the root of the problems now. Dig in and let the pressure begin to ease off.”

If you find that any question awakens some painful or distressful memory, put it down (even though it is not an answer to that question). SEARCH OUT AND FEARLESSLY PUT DOWN ON PAPER those things that are painful, embarrassing, fill you with fear, shame, or any other uncomfortable feelings (which could be guilt, rage, etc.).

This is a long outline. Don’t let it scare or dissuade you. Take each question and in your own words write out your answer - let it all hang out! Do not tear up any part of it. If you feel the statement you made was wrong, make a notation as to WHY it is wrong. Promise yourself to be honest and fearless. Trust us when we tell you that YOUR REWARDS WILL BE GREAT. Some people have been discouraged in taking an inventory because they don’t feel they have become honest enough, or can remember everything that happened to them. Just do your best --- your honest best. The same about memory. We - no one - can remember every incident of their lives, so deal with what you can remember. NOW.

Please keep in mind that the Fourth Step is not dealing with CHANGING anything. An inventory doesn’t change things, it simply lists things. Your inventory is only a story of your feelings and acts from the beginning until now. “We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.” (AA Big Book p.65)

Many have found that it helps to carry around a pocket size notebook so that they could jot down anything that pops into their head. It will be useful to you in your inventory. It really doesn’t matter if you write information down that could be slightly incorrect insofar as dates, places, etc. JUST GET IT DOWN! Arrange to have a safe place to keep your Fourth Step inventory. Nothing should be left out “because someone might see it who isn’t supposed to.”  Once it is transferred to the main inventory you can throw it (the pocket notation) away. Remember, in Step Four we put down all of the things that we wince at … just remembering them we screw our eyes closed and think “Oh no!” or “Damn! Not that!” JUST WRITE IT DOWN. IT IS NOT HURTING ANYONE BUT YOU.

Read what the Big Book must say about the Fourth Step (p. 64-71). And the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions (p. 43-55).

The Big Book refers to the “… wreckage of your past …” and from this we are tempted to deal only with the problems left in the wake of our compulsive behavior … the problems outside of us. The problems were created as the RESULT of our compulsive behavior. BUT … Steps Four and Five deal with HOW the past has affected our world within. How our negative feelings about ourselves and others have wrecked us spiritually, mentally, and physically. The Big Book instructs us to WRITE about fears (hates), resentments (guilts), and our sex hang-ups. Breaking these instructions down into three parts helps to hurry things along. Most of our patterns are set up in childhood and early adolescence. Therefore, your inventory will be divided into three parts: 1. Childhood, 2. Adolescence, and 3. Adulthood.

At birth, we are exposed to our parents’ behavior, beliefs, expectations and attitudes. These were based on their parents’ behavior, beliefs, attitudes, etc.  … back through the generations. So, since we can’t really pin the blame, let’s instead get about the job of finding the remedy.

Problems begin if parents were: too young, too old, too poor, too rich, too many children; only one child, wanted a boy and got a girl, wanted a girl and got a boy, parents didn’t get to finish high school, parents had to get married, parents couldn’t cope with responsibility, had to give up a career, had a lack of financial security, had too much money, were sick either emotionally or physically, threatened “not to love” children if they didn’t “measure up”, death of a parent, divorce, etc., etc., etc..

Sometimes mothers make their children feel guilty because they must work. (They usually appear as a “good woman” who has sacrificed her life working and depriving herself for her children). This attitude automatically puts the child in a NEVER-ENDING debt of guilt for being alive and so much of a problem. Or fathers play the same game by such statements as, “If I hadn’t had such a large family I could have been a great man …”. Some neurotic mothers try and make their children feel guilty by telling them what a hard time they had giving birth. There are parents who make excuse for your bad behavior … teaching you how to excuse anything you want to do; or parents who would not punish you and taught you how to put things off; or who overprotected you; or who gave you no tools to face life as it really is; or alcoholic parents; or parents who were cruel, setting up patterns of fear and withdrawal, Or parents who were too strict, forcing a child to act like an adult (which then forces the adult to act like a child - in search of a lost childhood). Or parents who pressure a child to be PERFECT, or gives them a model (sister, brother, friend, etc.) and constantly compares the child with the other person.

But remember, if you have gotten smart enough to figure out that your parents were your big problem, then you must go one step further and figure out what YOU can and will do about it. This is the purpose of the Fourth Step. The purpose is not your parents’ inventory, if the above paragraph sounded like it. It is to help you become aware of your attitudes, emotions, inappropriate behavior (and notice, please, that this is behavior inappropriate for YOU), so that you may begin life anew.

The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous and recurring troubles. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have caused me anxiety, bitterness, frustration or depression? Appraising each situation carefully and fairly, can you see where you have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset you because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if your disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do you lack the ability to accept conditions you cannot change? Do you feel that faith and dependency on a Higher power is somewhat weak, even cowardly? Has your inability to accept much on faith been handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness and unreasonable prejudice? Do you dissect spiritual beliefs and practices of spiritually-minded persons as a basis of wholesale condemnation? What would your choice be if you fearlessly had to face the proposition that God either IS or He ISN'T?

These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of your discomfort and indicate whether you are able to alter your own conduct and so adjust yourself serenely to self-discipline. Suppose an insecurity constantly arouses the same feelings again and again. You can ask to what extent your own mistakes have fed your gnawing anxieties, and if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can you do about that? If you are unable to change the present, are you willing to take the measures necessary to shape your life conditions as they are.

SUMMARY

Some of you will object to many of the questions posed, because you will think your own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. One can get a mind that is so “closed” that it doesn’t realize that it is closed. Because the surface record hasn’t looked too bad, many of us have been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these defects so deep under thick layers of self-justification. Sick justification that rationalized anything. Whatever the defects, though, they have finally ambushed us into compulsive behavior and misery.

Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection we write it out to get clear thinking and an honest appraisal. It is our first tangible evidence of complete willingness to move forward.

AND A FINAL WORD ……….

Please try and quit conning yourself that you need to get into the “right mood” to take this step. You’re in the right mood to take this step when you are ready to quit hurting and get well. All our lives, we have tried to “think our way into action”. This time we must “act our way into right thinking”. We who have taken this step can tell you that IT WORKS.

We didn’t know HOW it worked BEFORE we took it, and we can’t tell you HOW it works after we took it … so quit worrying about that.

What you are seeking is not mere “relief” … you’ll get that, don’t worry. What will come will be REAL JOY IN LIVING.

Believe us, you can get it, and a giant step toward getting it is to dump the accumulated garbage that you are now carrying around.

So, get your pen and paper and begin.

Final words before you start: If you honestly don’t know the answer to a question, then just indicate that you don’t know. But, try and answer each question the best way that you can.

And remember … if any question suggests an area of discomfort (trouble) then WRITE IT OUT … GET IT DOWN ON PAPER … GET RID OF IT!

REMEBER WE STRIVE FOR PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION!

CHILDHOOD

What kind of relationship did your mother have with her parents?

What kind of relationship did your father have with his parents?

Were you wanted at birth?

Write out the circumstances of your family at the time of your birth. Things such as: family size, age differences, financial status, was there laughter? Arguing? Depression? Were other relatives or people living with you?

In general, describe what you think your family thought of you. Did you feel your parents attitude toward you was different than other parents toward their children? How old were you at the birth of brothers and sisters? How did you feel about the new arrivals? Were either of your parents sick enough to require hospitalization? Were you separated from any important family members? Was there fear or guilt about this separation? … in other words, did you feel responsible?

Were you threatened by the Boogie Man, or the Devil if you misbehaved? If so, what were your fears in this regard?

A child is made to feel guilty about his or her normal sexual curiosity. This comes from being caught and punished for touching himself, or being caught masturbating, or playing “Doctor”, or for participating in group masturbation. Many parents tell children that sexual feelings are evil and must be punished. With no sex education, and given this sort of teaching, a child will naturally distort what he knows about sex. When a child is exposed to fully developed nude persons (for instance at home in the bathroom, or in public), he or she may begin to feel inadequacy in adult life, even after the person is a thoroughly developed adult. Write down any of the above experiences that make you feel uneasy.

Did you have a difficult time pleasing one or both of your parents? Were you constantly directed and redirected by your parents? Did you obey docilely? Did you have feelings of distress and boredom? Were you afraid of the dark? Were you afraid to fight? Or were you afraid not to fight due to pressure from your father or older brothers or others?

Did your parents submit to your whims and immature demands most of the time? Did you have temper tantrums? How did your parents punish you? By trying to reason, or was it physical? How did you react to punishment?

What kind of marriage do you think your parents had? If they fought, did you resent it? Did it scare you? Were you used to breaking up their fights? Did you take one side or the other? Were your parents preoccupied with themselves? Did they lack awareness of your needs? Was there an absence of affection, concern, or loving attention in your home?

If your parents were from different religions, did you feel confused about it? What idea of “God” was impressed upon you? Did you reject this concept because it seems inadequate? If you did reject this idea, did you imagine you had abandoned the God idea entirely?

Were you afraid of storms?

List all the feelings of guilt, fear, resentment you had toward each person in your life as a child (not your feelings now).

Did you feel you were “bad”? Did you put yourself into situations that caused others to punish you?

List the first time you stole anything. Inventory all your thefts.

How old were you when you first masturbated? Were you ever caught and made to feel guilty? Did you feel guilty even though you weren’t caught? What other kinds of sexual curiosity where you involved in (homosexual, animal, with any other members of the family, anything else)?

If you were named after someone, what was that person like?

Did you family move often? If so, did you make friends and then must break off the relationship so often that you became afraid to get too close?

Do you remember starting school? What were your feelings? Try to remember each successive grade in school and as you do, write out the resentments you felt toward teachers, pupils, anyone. Any fights? Slights? Hurts? Embarrassments? Put it down on paper!

Did you resent your relatives, friends, or parents? If so, list them. No resentment is too small to mention. The Big Book states, “Resentment is the number one offender …” (p.64)

What kind of language did your parents use? Were you ashamed of them for this or anything else? Did you ever see your parent’s nude? What were your feelings? Did you ever see or hear your parents having sex? What were your feelings?

In every family, a child usually has certain “chores” assigned. What were yours? Were they fair? Could you do them in ways that would please your parents? Do you remember longing for a carefree childhood because of the absence of play?

Did your parents seem to like your friends better than they, did you? And did your friends seem to like your parents better than they, did you? If so, did you resent this?

Any bad experiences at Sunday school? Or at summer camp?

Were you an only child? Did you resent this or enjoy this?

Did your parents want a child of the opposite sex when they had you? And did they name you, or dress you, to match their sex choice? Did your appearance (looks, dress, etc.) embarrass you? Did you feel you were different from your class mates?

Were you treated as a nuisance or a burden?

Did you test possible friends with hostility or obnoxious behavior? Did you force friends to abandon friendly behavior?

Did you feel your parents’ attitude toward you was different than other parents toward their children?

WRITE DOWN ANY OTHER CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT WERE/ARE PAINFUL. WHICH OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS ABOUT CHILDHOOD WRE THE TOUGHEST FOR YOU TO ANSWER? DO YOU KNOW WHY?

ADOLESCENCE

Often an adolescent relies on the misguided sex information obtained from his peers. This can produce many severe problems; i.e., never outgrowing the desire to have sex with the opposite parent, brother, sister...sometimes the desire for sexual activities with the parent of the same sex. Although these are unconscious desires, they bring on conscious feelings of guilt that must be dealt with. Distortion may come when a person is too young emotionally to handle adult sex. There is involvement because of peer pressure or the desire to please another. Not being in touch with adult feelings, pretense sets up which then leads to anger, disappointment, guilt. These feelings, in turn can tend to prevent normal sexual and emotional growth. The guilt prevents the person from talking the feelings out with a mature adult, which may result in a need to repeat the same pattern repeatedly.

Write down your experience concerning the above, both heterosexual and homosexual.

Some girls are taught that men are interested in sex only, and some boys are taught that they must be "the greatest of all time". These attitudes are destructive and damaging to the total person. Have you experienced either of these attitudes? Is there a pattern? How has it affected you?

Did you have friends when you were an adolescent?

Did you consider friendly overtures a possible trick?

Did you have feelings of complete worthlessness?

What kind of friend were you?

What interest or lack of interest did you have in school?

How was your social life?

Did you participate in sports or creative activities such as music, art, etc.?

What were the reasons for your participating or lack of it in these activities?

Were you a troublemaker? If so, in what way? Did you destroy property? Did you resent leaders - either physical or mental? Did what seemed to satisfy others provide no satisfaction for you? Did you tend to drift, to lack initiative, to be short on persistence? Did you feel a passive discontent? Did you resent not being the most handsome or beautiful person at school?

Did you feel a coward because you didn't want to fight? Or did you like to fight? Were you a bully? Did you feel embarrassed because boys made fun of you or girls avoided you? Were you very sensitive to rebuff or seeming slight and almost automatically hostile?

Did you have a difficult time pleasing yourself? Did it bother you if you made mistakes? Were you overly concerned with every detail?

Some people feel inadequate as adults because they were at one time exposed to youngsters more developed at that time. Were you exposed to other children in gym class or the rest rooms who were older than you and more developed physically? How did you feel then? How do you feel now?

Did you drift in and out of relationships?

Did you suffer intensely from insecurities and tend to keep people at a distance?

Did you feel that deep down you lacked an identity of your own?

Did you resent not being part of a crowd? Or not being a leader? Or not being "in"?

Were you shy or outgoing? How are you now?

Does any person make you shy?

If you dropped out of school, explain your feelings and reasons.

Did anything happen to you in high school that was a continuing source of shame?

Did your parents compare you to other family members or friends? Did you resent them for wanting you to be like someone else?

How did you get the attention of your family?

Did you have great longings for someone to care for you? Did you try to appear self-sufficient, independent of others, detached, aloof? Did you pout, sulk, be a good child, have temper tantrums or act like a dummy?

Do you remember the kind of lies you told (if any)? How did your feet when you got caught lying?

What was the most embarrassing incident of adolescence? Are there any others that you remember?

Did you have great difficulty in giving or receiving love and affection?

If sexual feelings were discounted and "put down" in your family, there is a strong possibility that you will feel guilty about them. 'We "catch'' attitudes. A boy who's pushed to always do better, or is criticized no matter what he does, may find himself having trouble in his sexual performance as an adult. Or a girl who has been told that it is not okay to feel sexy may grow up to dislike her own body and distrust her feelings.

These attitudes create unnatural or uncomfortable sexual behavior. Did you "catch" any of these attitudes? Can you see such attitudes cropping up in your life now? First sexual intercourse: what were your feelings? Did you feel guilty? Did you feel disappointed? Be as explicit about the feelings as you can.

List in detail any homosexual experience, masturbation fantasy, or other sexual activity that you remember from this time. Keep in mind that we are not concerned about "with whom" or "on what date" or "how often" rather, we are concerned about how you felt about the experience.

Did you get someone pregnant? Or become pregnant yourself? What did you do and how did you feel about your actions?

Were you ashamed of your parents? Were they too old, too fat, too sloppy, too drunk? Too whatever?

Did you have the kind of clothes that other kids wore?

Did you give the spiritual side of life a fair hearing? Did you choose to believe that your human intelligence is the last word?

Was there enough money for the things you needed? If not, were you resentful that there wasn't? If there was, did you take it too much for granted? Did you feel any brothers or sisters got more than you did? Write out your feelings about money as an adolescent. Did you tend to be impulsive?

Did you tend to dominate some or many aspects of your life?

Were you the kind of child you would want to have?

Were you a thief?

Were you ever double-promoted (skipped a grade)? If so, did you have trouble catching up emotionally? Were you held back? How did you act? How did you feel? Did you feel uncomfortable because you were younger or older than other students?

Were you undependable as a friend, breaking off relationships without any explanation when someone or something that seemed better came along?

Did you pit one member of your family against another?

What was the best experience you had during this period of your life? The worst?

We've covered a lot of ground on these questions. Now, is there ANYTHING that made you particularly uncomfortable when writing about it? Have you put down EVERYTHING that you can remember now that bugged you then? Even the simplest, most nit-picking things are important if they trouble you. Put them down. Now.

ADULTHOOD

Are you afraid of getting too close to another person for fear of being rejected?

Do you test your relationships repeatedly, looking for slights or any indifference to find some ground for complaint?

Do you reject others before they can reject you?

Are you so thin-skinned that you have trouble admitting any human weakness? List some of your weaknesses that you can accept. How well do you accept yourself in your own humanness? Are you able to be less defensive about these weaknesses?

Define love. What do you feel it is? Do you drift in and out of relationships? Does it seem that people mean little to you? Do you feel the desire for mothering? For active caring? For unlimited acceptance?

If you are married or have been married, list the things you and your mate had in common and what your goals were at the onset of your marriage. If you have been married more than once, do this with each marriage. Now list the things that were different between you.

If you married a cold unloving person, ask yourself why you chose that one to be your mate. Did you use it as an excuse to find new romances? Was your mother or father cold and unloving? Is this your chance to get even with them through your spouse?

Why did you get married? Or, why haven't you gotten married? Was the marriage for the right reasons? Did you marry earlier than your peer group? Later? Do you accept or resent the responsibilities of marriage and family? Do you share in the responsibilities for the families' problems?

Are you able to be cheerful when everything seems to be leading to despair?

Do you resist the impulse to complain to others about your situation? Are you able to forgive those who have injured you?

Do you continue to assume excessive responsibility if there is no longer a financial need?

Do you allow your family to come between you and your spouse?

Do you make excessive demands and expectations of your spouse?

Are you able to admit that you have no authority or power over any other human being?

Do you create a pleasant, cheerful environment? Do you try to?

Do you feel all human beings are basically good and sensitive?

Are you still a baby in your parent's eyes and take advantage of it?

Are you a baby in the eyes of your spouse?

Do you infringe on the rights and dignity of others?

Have your parents gotten you out of trouble you should have been able to handle by yourself?

Do you gossip about others?

Are you comfortable with someone who is less fortunate than you?

Do you know how to respond to the needs of others? To give of yourself?

When, and how, and in just what instances did your selfish pursuit of sex relations damage other people and yourself? What people were hurt? How badly? Did you spoil your marriage and injure your children? Did you jeopardize your standing in the community? Just how did you react to these situations at the time? Did you burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Did you have bouts of depression? Or did you insist that you were the pursued and not the pursuer and thus absolve yourself?

Are you afraid of getting too close to another person for fear of being rejected?

Do you test your relationships repeatedly, looking for slights or any indifference to find some ground for complaint?

Do you reject others before they can reject you?

Are you so thin-skinned that you have trouble admitting any human weakness? List some of your weaknesses that you can accept. How well do you accept yourself in your own humanness? Are you able to be less defensive about these weaknesses?

Define love. What do you feel it is? Do you drift in and out of relationships? Does it seem that people mean little to you? Do you feel the desire for mothering? For active caring? For unlimited acceptance?

If you are married or have been married, list the things you and your mate had in common and what your goals were at the onset of your marriage. If you have been married more than once, do this with each marriage. Now list the things that were different between you.

If you married a cold unloving person, ask yourself why you chose that one to be your mate. Did you use it as an excuse to find new romances? Was your mother or father cold and unloving? Is this your chance to get even with them through your spouse?

Why did you get married? Or, why haven't you gotten married? Was the marriage for the right reasons? Did you marry earlier than your peer group? Later? Do you accept or resent the responsibilities of marriage and family? Do you share in the responsibilities for the families' problems?

Are you able to be cheerful when everything seems to be leading to despair?

Do you resist the impulse to complain to others about your situation? Are you able to forgive those who have injured you?

Do you continue to assume excessive responsibility if there is no longer a financial need?

Do you allow your family to come between you and your spouse?

Do you make excessive demands and expectations of your spouse?

Are you able to admit that you have no authority or power over any other human being?

Do you create a pleasant, cheerful environment? Do you try to?

Do you feel all human beings are basically good and sensitive?

Are you still a baby in your parent's eyes and take advantage of it?

Are you a baby in the eyes of your spouse?

Do you infringe on the rights and dignity of others?

Have your parents gotten you out of trouble you should have been able to handle by yourself?

Do you gossip about others?

Are you comfortable with someone who is less fortunate than you?

Do you know how to respond to the needs of others? To give of yourself?

When, and how, and in just what instances did your selfish pursuit of sex relations damage other people and yourself? What people were hurt? How badly? Did you spoil your marriage and injure your children? Did you jeopardize your standing in the community? Just how did you react to these situations at the time? Did you burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Did you have bouts of depression? Or did you insist that you were the pursued and not the pursuer and thus absolve yourself?

feelings you have about the people involved in your work life. Are you indifferent and/or careless on your job? Do you think you should be the boss? Do you use the excuse that your boss, or your family or friends, shouldn't expect so much of you? Are you able to laugh at yourself for sometimes trying to be other than that which you are? Do you feel good about yourself when you complete a job because you want to finish it?

If you are divorced, or getting one, write out your negative feelings about the situation and the people involved. Resentments, fears, feelings of guilt, etc., concerning your relationship with your mate, including feelings about your children. Do you expect the children to decide on which parent they love the best? How well are you able to accept situations you cannot change? Are you able to back away from conflict and confusion?

If married, write out exactly how you feel about your spouse and children. Are they living up to your expectations? What are your expectations?

Do you feel that no one really understands you?

Is your need for affection so intense that the demands for it relay be exhausting in a sexual relationship?

Are your expectations unreasonable?

How do you think you would be different if "they" were out of your life?

Are you uncomfortable in social situations? Do you have trouble introducing people to each other? Are you able to relax or do you find relaxing difficult?

Do you still feel different from other members of the program or apart from? Do you feel superior or inferior? Do you avoid looking at yourself by making statements such as, "Oh Well, some of us are sicker than others"?

Do you judge or make fun of people who appear to be less fortunate mentally, physically or morally than you think you are?

Do you compare yourself to others to make yourself suffer by picking people who are further along in the program than you, or people who are talented in areas you are not?

Are you able to accept the fact of a situation, thereby deciding what to do about it?

The only person you can adequately compare yourself to is yourself; How were you 5 days ago? 5 weeks ago? 5 months ago? At your first meeting? How are you now?

List every act you swore you would take to the grave, disclosing to no one. Be open and honest. (Remember: life gave us all good and bad experiences). Usually the things you are most ashamed of are the very acts that made you try to grow into something or someone better. If you want freedom, you must let go of it all. The Big Book states, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it...No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others...". If you want to help bring peace into the lives of the people you will be dealing with later, you must find it in your own life first. (Page 83-84).

In what ways are you the responsible person?

Are you a tightwad? What are your fears concerning money? Do you spend money with no thought of tomorrow?

Do you try to fill your life with gratification of impulses?

Is your personal appearance particularly careless or prideful? On sight, do you judge people by their appearance (whether sloppy or neat)? Are you never satisfied with yourself or others?

What things make you feel greedy, envious, angry?

Do you strive for wealth or reputation, or both, to the exclusion of other values in life?

Are you scornful of ideas that weren't your own?

Do you tell others how bad you have been or are? Or do you go to the other extreme and tell people how great you are or

were? (The first communication can be pride in reserve, the second can be a way to give your ego a false sense of security).

Write your feelings for parents, brothers, sisters and other family members. Now, what resentments or hates do you still have? What still makes you feel guilty?

Do you pad your expense account or use household money to buy things for yourself?

Do you feel resentment toward another member of the program?

What kinds of things do you lie about the most?

Do you still need to play the Big Shot?

Do you strive for success in a desperate effort to deny inner needs, to rebel the feelings of emptiness?

Are you hurt when people turn away and won't play your games?

Do you resent not getting as much attention as you did when you were brand new in the program?

Do you worry about other people's Higher Power not being as good as yours? Or maybe even better? How do you feel about people who claim to be Godly?

What is your conception of "God as you understand Him"?

Are you comparing yourself with others in spiritual growth? Have you known someone who had a spiritual approach you wish you had? Do you feel superior spiritually?

Do you still feel guilty about masturbation?

Do you feel superior because you have more education, money, brains, the "right color skin", social background, vocation or any other seeming advantages? List your feelings of superiority.

Do you feel inferior because you have less of all the above? List your feelings of inferiority.

Do you think you are superior to the general run of people? List all the ways in which you are different.

Do you think you are inferior to the general run of people? List all the ways in which you are different.

Do you have a hard time getting to places on time?

Do you resent others who don't seem to have problems finding happiness?

Are you aware of any clear adult goals?

Do you seek enjoyment or entertainment of one kind or another but are rarely capable of thorough enjoyment?

Do you turn play into work; i.e., games, sports, hobbies, that are not fun or relaxing?

Are you still judging the outside of others by the inside of you?

Have you bothered to ask the people who seem happy how they got that way?

How much time do you spend with the welfare and happiness of others? Have you learned how to hear other people, to see them, to know them?

Do you still envy people who do not appear to be compulsive? Are you hostile because you don't like the hand life has dealt?

What are your present fears? List them.

How do you presently get another people's attention? Pouting, sulking, temper tantrums? Being extra good (and letting them know about it)? Playing stupid? Frustrating others' activities? Bitching?

How have you reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, have you become vengeful or depressed? Did you "take it out" on other people? If there was rejection or coldness in your home, did you use this as a reason for promiscuity? Did you tend to be promiscuous with little or no lasting satisfaction or emotional interchange?

Many people who are lonely and don't really know how to love to get involved senselessly in "escapades". The temporary loss of loneliness makes one call sex "love", but when the sexual partner is gone, it makes for an even greater feeling of loneliness. Have you ever experienced this?

Are laws made for other people? Do you have the right to make up your own laws as you go along?

If revenge were possible right now, who would be the top people on your list? Why?

What are your present feelings about sex, parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, friends, your children, your mate, your intimate friends, your job, on being a compulsive person, finances, divorce or marriage (depending on your present status), etc...

What are your hopes and goals?

Does diversion and distraction interfere with your adult goals? Do you believe that your situation is not hopeless and that you can improve it? Are you able to feel that tomorrow will be brighter if you've had a bad day?

Do you use sex as a punishment or a reward?

How much time do you spend with your-family? With the program?

What is your greatest fear?

What is your sex life like? Is it as mature as you might want it to be? Are you disappointed in your mate for not fulfilling your sexual needs? Are you careless of your partner's feelings? Write out your ideal of a healthy sex life.

Do you engage in sex to build your own ego by a feeling of conquest?

Are you afraid of being sexually rejected?

Are you ashamed of your body or the way you look? Write out what's wrong with the physical you. Write out the best things about you physically. Now write out the things about yourself that you are ashamed of.

Do you feel you are still trying to please your parents?

Do you drive yourself to the point of exhaustion?

Do you accept that you can only do your best?

Do you use people to get what you want?

Do you expect others to pour out love, affection and services?

Do you gossip or perform "character assassination" on another to "make it" in the business or social world? Or do you do this to feel superior (to the one gossiped about)?

If you are a thief, what have you stolen? Don't forget to include employer's time and the good feelings others had and you destroyed.

Do you have a pattern of getting sick? Do you go to doctors repeatedly without finding anything organically wrong? Do you use illness as an excuse to avoid responsibilities or to get attention or sympathy?

In business relationships, write out your resentments toward bosses and co-workers. Do you feel jealous of them? Are you concerned that others in your office will get more money or prestige than you will? Do you try to prove you can "take it" on a job that is rough and tough? Do you complain about how hard you must work? List all the negative

ACCEPTANCE OF SELF

Am I willing to forgive myself? It takes a great deal of humility to be ready for the final phase of your inventory. If we accept ourselves as we are, with all our shortcomings as revealed in our inventory, we can to go another human being without inventory and reveal all there is to know about ourselves. If we are truly humble in the sense that we are beginning to rely increasingly on our Higher Power in more of our affairs, then we are ready for the last phase.

If you made your appointment you need only to keep that appointment and verbally discuss every portion of your inventory.

Difficulties commonly experienced are:

Will the other person keep my inventory in confidence?

Will the other person laugh at me?

Will the other person think me silly?

Will the other person think me ridiculous?

Will the other person think me weird?

Will the other person think me despicable?

Will the other person think me base?

Will the other person become disgusted with me?

Will the other person reject me?

REWARDS INCLUDE:

Feeling more a part of humans.

Closer to our fellows.

Self-worth increases.

A sense of well-being comes over us as never.

We get an inkling of what serenity can be.

In taking your inventory, you wrote down all these fears realizing they stem from our need to present a "good" image of ourselves to everyone. We fear that if we don't, they will have nothing to do with us. We will be isolated and outcast and, therefore, worthless. On closer examination, it is the need to "doctor" or distort our image which has been the real barrier between us and the rest of the world, which in fact does isolate us in spite, or because, of the false front we present. Nothing draws us to others, and others to us, like honesty and humility. They represent true humanity and that is what really attracts us to each other.

"A friend is someone who knows everything there is to know about you, and loves you despite it"

Step 4 - Review of Resentments

Feelings of bitter hurt or indignation that come from rightly or wrongly held feelings of being injured or offended.

I AM RESENTFUL AT:

List people, institutions, or principles with whom I am angry.

 THE CAUSE:

I ask myself why am I angry, what did they do to me to cause the anger?

AFFECTS MY:

On my grudge list I set opposite each name my injuries. Was it my self-esteem, my security, my ambitions, my personal or sex relations that had been interfered with?

WHAT DID I DO?

Putting out of my mind the wrongs others have done, I look for my own mistakes. What did I do, if anything, to set in motion trains of circumstances, which in turn caused people or institutions to hurt me and eventually led to my resentment of them for doing so?

WHERE HAD I BEEN:

Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened, inconsiderate? Which of these character defects caused me to do what I did, or caused me to want to hold on to the old resentment, even though I may have done nothing to cause it?

Step 4 - Review of Fears

Feelings of anxiety, agitation, uneasiness, apprehension, impending doom, etc.

WHO OR WHAT DO I FEAR?

List people, institutions, or principles with whom I am fearful.

THE CAUSE:

What are they going to do to me? Am I perhaps going to jail? Am I going to lose something with material value? Am I going to lose face? Will it result in divorce? Will it destroy as personal relationship? Might I lose my job, etc?

AFFECTS MY:

On my fears list I set opposite each name the part of self which is affected. Was it my self-esteem, my security, my ambitions, my personal or sex relations that have been threatened?

WHAT DID I DO?

What did I do, if anything, to set the ball rolling, and set in motion trains of circumstances, which have led to my being in the position to have the fear?

WHERE HAD I BEEN:

Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened, inconsiderate? Which of these character defects caused me to do what I did, or cause me to want to hold on to the old fear, even though I may have done nothing to cause it?


Step 4 - Review of Our Own Sex Conduct

 Wrong acts that result in pain, hurt feelings, worry, financial loss, etc. for others and also self

WHO DID I HURT?

 

WHAT DID I DO?

AFFECTS MY:

Which part of self caused me to do what I did? Was it caused by the social instinct, the security instinct, or the sex instinct?

 

WHAT FEELINGS DID I CREATE IN OTHERS?

Did I arouse jealousy, anger, suspicion, bitterness, desire to retaliate?  What should I have done instead?

WHERE HAD I BEEN:

Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened, inconsiderate? Which of these character defects caused me to do what I did to harm another?

Step 4 - Review of Harms Other Than Sexual

Wrong acts that result in pain, hurt feelings, worry, financial loss, etc. for others and also self

WHO DID I HURT?

WHAT DID I DO?

AFFECTS MY:

Which part of self caused me to do what I did? Was it caused by the social instinct, the security instinct, or the sex instinct?

WHAT FEELINGS DID I CREATE IN OTHERS?

Did I arouse jealousy, anger, suspicion, bitterness, desire to retaliate?  What should I have done instead?

WHERE HAD I BEEN:

Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened, inconsiderate? Which of these character defects caused me to do what I did to harm another?

Column 3:  What instincts are threatened or interferred with?

In the list below, select the instinct (society, security, sex) that feels injured, threatened, or interferred with, and then write as many words from right column as apply to you.

 Instincts for Society

Wanting to belong or be accepted.

Companionship

Wanting to be recognized, or to be accepted as a leader.

Prestige

What we think of ourselves, high and low.

Self-esteem

An excessive opinion of oneself, either positive (big ego) or negative (self-hate).

Pride

Our relationships with other people and the world around us.

Personal relationships

Our plans to gain acceptance, power, recognition, prestige, fame, or glory.

Ambitions

Instincts for Security

Wanting money, buildings, property, clothing, etc. in order to be secure in the future.

Material

Based upon our needs for another person or persons. Some tend to dominate, some are overly dependent on others.

Emotional

Our plans to gain material wealth, or to dominate, or to depend on others for material or money.

Ambitions

Instincts for Sex

Our sex lives as accepted by society, God’s principles, or our own principles.

Acceptable Sex Instinct

Our sex lives that are contrary to either Society, God’s principles, or our own principles.

Hidden Sex Instinct

Our plans regarding our sex lives either acceptable or hidden

Ambitions

Column 5 help continued on next page…
Column 5: Where had I been Selfish, Dishonest, Self-Seeking, Fearful, Inconsiderate?

Ask yourself these questions to see if the character defect applies in this case…

Write one or more of these words in column 5

What did I want or not want to happen?

Was I serving my own interests without concern for the needs and interests of others?

Selfish

What is the real truth?

What is the lie I tell myself?

Is it none of my business?

Did I lie, steal, or cheat?

Did I omit the truth?

Tell only what I them wanted to know?

Did I not express my true feelings?

Can not see the situation as it truly is?

Unreasonable expectations of others (expecting them to act the way I want)

Dishonest

What did I do to get what I wanted?  Did I act out sexually? Refuse to have sex? Throw a temper tantrum? Intimidate with my anger? Act aloof? Snub or ignore? Pretend everything is fine?  Use unkind expressions or acts?  Use overly kind expressions or acts? Gossip?  Manipulate?  Control?

Self Seeking

Did I fear others' opinions?   Not being loved?  Not being liked? Abandonment?   No control?  Failure?  Not being perfect? Confrontation?  Ridicule? Less or better than? Rejection? Success? Intimacy?

Fearful

Gossip,  Overly concerned with myself , Ignore, snub, act aloof

Steal, lie, cheat,  Not meaning what I say, Not saying what I mean,  Use unkind expressions or acts,  Use overly kind expressions or acts

Inconsiderate

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